The New War for Independence

I was talking with my therapist the other day and she said “Tell me some positive things about yourself.” This is a difficult question for me because my self-esteem has been pretty much demolished over the past year, but after thinking for a few minutes I described to her some things I thought were positive, like loyalty and compassion. Then she said, “Those are good things but that’s not what I mean. I don’t want positive things about you as a friend. I want positive things about you as an individual. If you were going to a job interview what would you tell them to convince them you should get the job?” I tried to look at it from that point of view and said “Weeellll, I’m a quick learner?” She said “So are you smart?” I hesitantly said, “Yeeeeah, I guess.” She said “Then tell me that! What else?”

I had to think about it a little more, but I could come up with a couple of things, from which a whole list was born that had nothing to do with any other person, and I grew more confident about saying them aloud as we went along. I found it funny because it made me realize just how much of our self-worth comes from our perception of our value to other people, and how much of our true talent we belittle or only think of in terms of how it applies to our relationships. We’re afraid to acknowledge those things as special for fear that someone else might think we’re egotistical (I love how people label us or our feelings in order to manipulate us. Yes, yes. I’m aware that only I can accept that label or allow it to affect me. Blah, blah, blah. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Hence the many reasons I have a therapist,) and we’re afraid to allow ourselves the luxury of just being talented for its own sake. (Does anyone else get confused when I interrupt myself midsentence? I swear that’s what my brain does all day long. I think I live my whole life in parenthesis.)

One of the problems with this viewpoint is that we get so wound up in who we are as a “we” that we forget who we are as an “I.” When the “we” no longer exists, it’s almost like “I” no longer exist either, until a new “we” comes along. Even in groups, couples who have been together for a long time become this sort of symbiotic entity where one does not endure without the other. Lesbians are very tribal. (It's a lot like “Survivor.” There’s even an unofficial tribal council where we kick people out when they displease the Powers That Be. Nobody actually knows who these Powers are, but displeasing them is bad juju.) When that dual persona separates, it throws a kink in the works and often times the tribe has trouble adjusting to the couple as individuals.

For instance, when I was a few (*ahem* more than ten) years younger, and married to my wife, we were kind of the Godparents to our particular tribe. We’d been together the longest. People looked to us as an example of what long term relationships were supposed to be. There were also strong expectations of how “we” (her as the butch, me as the femme) were supposed to behave. People referred to me as “P’s” Sarah. (I’ve abbreviate her name to protect the semi-innocent.) Not as Sarah the dancer, or Sarah the artist, or Sarah the Queen of Trivial Information. (All femmes need a royal title. Just sayin’.) My identity as a person was only as a part of my relationship with her. When she left me, the tribe imploded. Some people felt insecure in their own relationships as a result, because if she, the perfect butch partner, could leave, what did that mean for them? Others didn’t know how to deal with us as individuals and so coped by not dealing with either of us at all. I had to establish almost a whole new network of friends as an “I” rather than a “we.”

The other problem is that we as couples become completely dependent on each other for entertainment and affirmation. We stop doing things we enjoy if our partner isn’t into it. We stop doing things that don’t include our partners. We stop being an “I” and become a “we”, a single being with only one set of likes and dislikes, friends, interests, and ideas. Boooooring. An even larger complication occurs when one partner maintains an independent life while in the relationship but the other doesn’t, relying solely on the other partner for their social life, interests, and self-esteem. Gah! How much pressure is that?! Eventually, relationships like that stagnate and one partner, or both, wind up looking for something new, aaaaand cheating then ensues.

The point is that we need to fight the tendency to lose our individuality even when our “I” becomes a “we.” We need to take responsibility for our own self-worth because not only does it make us stronger people, it also makes us far more interesting and therefore far more attractive. Additionally, empowering ourselves makes it harder to be manipulated by people who haven’t grown enough to reach that stage for themselves. Partners who are not at that point can be insecure and try to hinder our independence to alleviate their own discomfort. We must not succumb to this pressure or any attempt to apply guilt, but continue to assert our right to independence while reassuring out partner that this is not a threat to us as a couple. It is a way to help our relationship grow and potentially bring us closer as we share our individual experiences.

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

© Sarah Ultis 2012