Angel of Mercy

In the 1940s and 50s before the women's liberation movement, women were viewed as these perfect angels. Domestic Goddesses building beautiful homes while men earned the wage. (Well, until World War II when there weren't enough men available to keep the country running. When the men came back the women went back to the kitchen. Don't even get me started on that tangent.) It was women's job to ensure their virginity. It was their job to keep men on the straight and narrow. Men were expected to run amok and get into trouble and to try to pressure girls into having sex.

As I look at the dynamic in relationships between butches and femmes I see a lot of similarities. The sexual part is of course no longer an issue, (though I do find that women who are comfortable with their enjoyment of sex are still talked about as sluts even among their peers) but butches are still expected to run around, get into trouble, and be irresponsible. They're expected to be hard workers who are afraid of commitment and chase tail at every opportunity. Femmes are expected to keep them in line, ride out the storms of misbehavior, and keep the home fires burning for the time they return emotionally to the safety of home.

Why is this? Do femmes have stronger hearts than butches that make it possible for them to love through all the hurts? Are we built as a different kind of woman who can patiently wait for the one we love to get her head out of her ass? That's not to say there aren't butches out there who have been just as hurt by femmes, but I have to write from my own perspective and I find that in my experience women who participate in a classic butch/femme relationship often function in this sort of dynamic.

Now I consider myself a fairly liberated woman when it comes to male/female gender roles, and yet I find myself exceedingly antiquated when it comes to my thoughts on my role in a relationship with a woman. Why is that? I believe in equality. I believe I deserve to be treated with love, respect, and affection. I would certainly not accept such behavior from a man in my life, yet I find that over and over I allow that from the butch in my life, and I find that if I behaved in the same manner, they (the butches that is) would be appalled and find me somehow less feminine.

In the lesbian relationship I've become accustomed to I'm supposed to be the rescuing angel of mercy, and quite frankly I'm tired of this role because not only does it allow for bad behavior on behalf of my partner, but it creates an expectation of perfection for me which I cannot possibly live up to. I am not an angel. I screw up as much as anyone else does, probably more, when it comes to my relationship. And it isn't my job to have all the feelings and do all the emotional work and communicating, nor is it her job to hammer all the nails and earn all the money. This is supposed to be an equal partnership, which means equal physical and emotional work There are of course going to be times when the load is sometimes going to be 90/10 rather than 50/50 because life is hard and unpredictable and sometimes you just can't carry your share, but it shouldn't be that way all the time.

© Sarah Ultis 2011