Have you ever looked back over the course of a situation and found yourself running for the fire extinguisher to put out the flames where your hair has caught fire? It’s not one particular event that leads to the sudden need to spontaneously combust, but the building of one event upon another and another until the little trail of tiny flames becomes a giant bonfire of rage. My most recent breakup has been like that for me this past couple of weeks, though we separated months ago.
When a relationship ends it sometimes it takes awhile for the details to all trickle down. The “more wrong” person hides things so he or she doesn’t look like the “bad guy.” The “less wrong” person refuses to accept any responsibility for his or her own contributions to the relationship’s demise. Usually, when I finally get to that post-relationship “aha” moment, it’s a relief, regardless of the information gained. I’m a “Why?” kind of girl, and I need that answer in order to process things. When at last I understand the reason for what happened, I can look more objectively at whatever part I had in it, heal, move on, and rebuild. Not this time.
This time I’m more angry than I ever remember being. I’ve had people cheat on me. I’ve had them take advantage of me financially. I’ve had them do both at the same time, but this time I feel like everything I ever thought was good about myself, things I was proud of, values I spent a lifetime building, were taken, twisted, and used to manipulate and betray me, and now I don’t know who or what is left inside this battered shell. Even more enjoyable, the void left where those traits were continues to fill up with anger and hate till it spills out into the rest of my life. I’m angry. All the time, at everyone, for everything, especially myself.
I am enraged that I allowed her to manipulate my decisions. She told me things so I’d do what she wanted. She didn’t tell me things to prevent me doing things she didn’t want. Rather than being honest and allowing me to take a step back while she sorted out her feelings, she hid things so she could sort them out without the risk that I might choose to take care of myself and move on. I’ve talked about intuition, and there were warning signs all along the way, but I ignored them. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because there was always some crisis going on in her life that took precedent: her health, her job, her “walls” caused by her own previous break up. I set aside my own fear and concerns to let her deal with hers. I was kind, understanding, patient, loving, generous, and self-sacrificing, and I find that I don’t want to do or be any of those things ever again because she took advantage of them, eventually wiping out the entire core of who I am. Adding insult to injury, she seems to be getting everything she ever wanted, thanks in part to my clearly misguided sense of kindness and fair play. All I want to do is scream at everyone to stay the hell away from me so they don’t get mowed down while I run around like Femmezilla with my hair on fire.
In the midst of this chaos as I chew daintily on the neighbors’ rooftops, casually swatting helicopters from the sky (Femmezilla SMASH!), along comes a woman who thinks I hung the moon and treats me like a princess. Instead of hiding trying to self-protect, she just lays it out there, the good, the bad, the ugly. She says “This is how I feel and where I’m at. I know you’re in a bad place but I’m here, I care, and I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Holy hand grenade, Batman! What is this new devilry?! Femmezilla feel…..(cocking head to one side, car-antenna-toothpick prying shingles from a molar) not so bad. I feel not so bad. I might even venture to say that at times I feel almost (gasp, could it be?) good. Trust me, I still spend the majority of my time rampaging through Tokyo, but every once in awhile, this 50 foot tyrannosaurus is wearing a pink tutu and princess tiara, and feeling kind of silly stomping around. I'm still not sure that it's safe to stop being angry, but I'm open to the possibility that not everything I thought was good about me is a liability. Don't be hatin' on my tiara.
© Sarah Ultis 2011
I know what you are going through, there are days I want to put my fist through a window, just to watch it bleed. But I have learned that doing those things hinder you from growing. Do not allow yourself or anyone to hinder your growth.
ReplyDeleteHaving been angry and hurt most of my life, I can only say that I think anger is healthy - as long as it's controlled anger. I used to be the person that would see *red* when she got angry and I used to have a very violent temper (yup, little me) but it would take A LOT to get me angry... and over the years, I've learned that it's great to vent and release all the anger, frustration and sadness... but when it starts to affect your thinking, your moods, your work, your friends around you, and all you see is anger, hatred and negative things in the world around you - when there are good things out there... then it's time to change that thinking. When people get you that angry, and you hold onto it... you are allowing them to win.
ReplyDeleteYou have this wonderful woman in your life *now* and focus on her. What you have gone through in your life is hard and it... well... sucks. But, it's made you who you are today. Your choices, your decisions, being walked on, allowing yourself to be walked on - whatever has happened - don't be angry about it - because if you hadn't made those choices or things hadn't happened the way they did, you wouldn't be where you are today. Try not to focus on all this anger. Don't ignore it, but don't *focus* on it either to the point where you forget that B is in your life.
Be angry - and let go.
Be hurt - and let go.
Be sad - and let go.
Be you - never let go.