Mother May I?

I don't know about most of you out there, but I was raised in a conservative Christian family often struggling to make ends meet, the oldest of five siblings, and I was taught to think of others before myself. This is a fantastic philosophy, assuming that everyone around you works the same way. The problem is, not everyone holds the same viewpoint, especially in relationships, so while I'm putting my needs aside to care for someone else thinking that they are going to do the same for me, the reality is most times this doesn't happen. Sometimes relationships are 50/50% and sometimes they’re 90/10%. Your partner has a crisis so you suck it up and work through it because eventually you may have a crisis too and you just know that when that happens, they're going to be there for you just like you were there for them. Riiiiiiight. In my experience, what actually winds up happening is that I carry my partner through crisis after crisis and when it comes time for her to carry me, she's nowhere to be found. This is partly my fault because I continue to allow this to happen in my life, but I'm not really sure how to correct it. I feel like I have discussions with my partner about what our expectations are and I feel like she always says "Yes. I'm like you and I'll be there for you." probably with the best of intentions on her part, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty that isn't really what she means. I feel like I also communicate when my needs aren't being met and talk with her about needing more "Me time", affection, for her to fix the toilet like she said she would a month ago, etc., whatever it is that I'm starting to feel resentful about. But when I feel like I'm having the same conversation over and over again, and the same needs still aren't being met I just get more bitter. Sometimes I feel like her crisis is big enough that asking for what I need at that moment isn't something that would be fair, so I bite my tongue and try to wait for a better time. Sometimes there is no better time because one problem seems to roll into the next and the next until the whole relationship is just one long crisis. That's usually a good sign that it's time to get out.

I am learning that I can't rescue people and if they've gotten themselves into a mess I can't always bail them out of it, but how do you balance caring for a partner and caring for yourself without going too far to one side or the other? I know I feel guilty if my partner is struggling and I say I'm sorry. I can't help you right now because I have needs of my own I need to take care of. I feel selfish. I also know that if the relationship stays out of balance and I continue to allow my needs to go unmet while still meeting those of my partner I become angry and bitter and it starts to show in how I communicate with her. It becomes so draining that often I don't have anything left to give her after awhile. So how do I give myself permission to be "selfish" and take care of myself without feeling guilty about it? Perhaps even more difficult, how do I give up control and trust that someone else will do what they say and take care of something when past experiences have shown this to often have disastrous results? In a relationship, I can't seem to figure out the balance between my needs, and her needs, and our needs as a couple. And I don’t know how to determine that when someone says they will be there they’ll really follow through when the shit hits the fan.

© Sarah Ultis 2011