She Said/She Said

Remember when you were a kid and would play that game "Telephone?" You'd sit in a circle with your friends and whisper something to the person next to you, they would whisper to the next in line, and on around the circle until by the time it gets back to you, it's something completely different. Sometimes I think that's how communication in relationships works.

She says: "I have nothing to wear. All my clothes are filthy!"
I hear: "Why haven't you done the laundry?"
She says: "This kitchen is a wreck!"
I hear: "Why haven't you done the dishes?"

I say: "I need a little space."
She hears: "I'm leaving you."
I say: "I see."
She hears: "Whatever you just said is wrong. WRONG I say! And you will now feel my wrath! RAWR!" (No really. That's exactly what she hears. She says this doesn't apply if she says "I see" because butch "I see's" are apparently different than femme "I see's, which supposedly involve some sort of hands-on-hips with glaring, and possibly some foot tapping as well.) I don't know what she's talking about. You do? I see.

But really, how is it that the words we say somehow become something else as they're floating through the air from mouth to ear? Granted, there's tone of voice and body language, and people don't always say what they mean, or mean what they say, but as two adult women in a loving relationship shouldn't we be able to communicate more clearly? Is it our baggage that causes the disconnect? I know that much of what I misinterpret relates to my own fears and insecurities, or even old ghosts of conversations of relationships past. And then sometimes trying to clarify causes even more angst and confusion because me asking questions comes across as a challenge to her, or a statement that whatever she's saying or doing isn't ok. And Goddess forbid I include an emotional reaction in there because then everything just goes to hell in a handbasket. (Why do we only go to hell in handbaskets? Can't I get something roomier? I have a lot of luggage.)

So how do we learn to listen, really listen to what the other is saying, not just with their words but with their heart? And how do we learn to speak openly and honestly so that we don't leave holes for other interpretations of our intentions? We worry so much about hurting other people that sometimes we hurt them more by not speaking our whole truth. Sometimes we don't speak because we are afraid that what we say will be judged or that we will not be loved because of it, and sometimes we don't hear what's really been said because we don't like it or don't want to deal with it. When we can't verbalize, behavior speaks louder than words, and more honestly. Often times when we talk about our feelings, we're talking about what we would like to feel or about the way we wish we were, but we talk about it as if it were already a reality. This creates even more confusion because what you've told me you want and what you really want are not the same thing, and now I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing in order to provide you support as your partner. Somehow in the midst of that I have to learn to speak my truth with love and care for both her and myself because I can't be a strong partner to her if I'm not able to be honest about my needs. I need to learn to listen to what she's really saying whether I like it or not, and sometimes that means listening with my eyes and not just my ears.

© Sarah Ultis 2011