When the Fat Lady Sings

So Friday night I went out to karaoke. Singing is something I love to do and I'm pretty good at it. I get all dressed up girlie femmie froofy and meet a friend at my favorite bar to sing and have a drink and socialize. While I'm there I spot a girl who I've seen there before. Watching her with her friends she seems fun and maybe someone I'd like to meet. My therapist says I'm supposed to be mingling after all. *insert rolling of eyes here* I know the bar owner so I ask if this girl is single. The owner says yes, and she's very nice. Would you like me to introduce you? Absolutely! So she goes and get's "the girl" and brings her over. Right away this girl is looking like she wants to run right back to her table and hide. The owner introduces us and after a moment of uncomfortable small talk, I ask if I can buy her a drink. She hesitates but agrees. As we're walking toward the bar, she makes a disgusted face behind my back, which my friend observed and was kind enough to share with me after the conclusion of the events to follow.

There's a bit of a wait at the bar, but rather than chat with me "the girl" stands about five feet away not looking at me and at one point leaves completely to talk to someone else with her back to me. I order her drink and hand it to her. She proceeds to practically sprint back to her table. The bar owner goes over and motions to her that she should come sit with me. "The girl" makes another disgusted face and shakes her head, then turns her back to me, where she remains for the rest of the evening, going so far as to go outside when it's my turn to sing. For me, whose self-esteem is already running at an all time low, this was an evening destroyer. How am I supposed to be putting myself out there when it feels like looking for a piece of hay in a stack of needles, all sharp and painful and bloody?

Now, I'm a big girl and I'm perfectly aware of that fact, but I've got great blue eyes, a nice smile, pretty wavy auburn hair, and an incredible "rack" that many larger girls are blessed with. I know how to use these to my advantage and I was dressed to kill that night. I'm also smart, funny, giving, and passionate, but these are things you would never know without talking to me. What I don't understand is in a community of women who are constantly railing against "the man" and the stereotypes that are placed on us by magazines, movies, and other media, how is it possible to be so shallow that even a polite conversation is out of the question? I find that many butch women are looking for young, petite little femme girls, and for a femme identified lesbian, being overweight is tantamount to having the plague. This doesn't seem to work in reverse because many butch women easily find dates no matter their size. I'm sure this is partly just my perception, but I'm not the only person to have witnessed this phenomenon in lesbian culture. Size seems to be no barrier for butch women, while for femmes, appearance seems to be a real issue.

I can understand that if there's no attraction, no "chemistry", then a relationship is unlikely to work. I've been down that road. I also understand that chemistry won't last based on appearance alone. As we get to know someone the most beautiful woman can appear to be a complete hag when the spirit inside of them is selfish. The most homely person can appear to be the most amazing knock out because their heart is so full of love and light getting to know them makes it impossible to view them any other way. So we need to open the book, unwrap the package, take a look at what's inside there before we decide to discount someone because they're not the prettiest flower in the garden.

© Sarah Ultis 2011